?

i ask this. dont read this unless you want to take a step into doubt.  doubt will bring even the most rightous zealot to his knees.  

for your image of me dont read. but if you do be so kind as to let me know where you stand upon my thoughts

Fevered Dreams, restless, and tired.

why do i try?

when i wake i am more tired then if i stayed awake?

i had a head ache and went to bed early *gasp* 11pm

i woke up at 1130 am

restless tossing turning cacthing the fleeting dream with the inescapeable nigthmare.

acts of deprevation, unspeakable acts, and the sense of Joy?

i dont know.  i dont think i care to know.

but i am not this person who i was once?

or am i trying to hide it?

to pity me? i feel cold?

i dont know what i think anymore?

i cant think anymore?

i am losing?

or am i lost?

Put my trust into who?

none?

or everyone and be burned every step of the way?

what is material weatlh?

why do i care for it?

do i?

i dont know who i am?

do any of you?

do you even care to read?

i dont blame you if you dont?

misjudgement?

lust?  for what?

for who?

i wish to wake up?

experiance life?

what is life except?

never impulses of the Brain?

but whos to say that is true?

that everything i know is a false hood?

that i dont really exist ?

that i am a feverd dream?

remorse?

is that what i am?

someones remorse?

given life?

what is life?

do i act the brazen fool?

for what purpose?

for what end?

what is the end?

is there one?

for me?

what if i told you i know when?

would you belive me?

or would you think i am in a feverd dream?

what is illness?

sickness?

am i to what part then ill?

or is my thought process it self ill?

but again impulses to a brain?

what are facts?

a certain idea that people gather behind and say that it is true?

what is truth?

if i got 10k people behind me to say the sky is red would it be fact?

one side you got people looking up at the sky and its blue. on the other red?

who is right?

just because they see something from a differnt angle perspective this means there wrong?  and

it would come to blows till someone forced there ideas upon that one side.

hence the sky is blue.

what if i am not insane but instead i am the one thinking clearly?

and all of you are the insane ones. 

who is right?

you would say i am insane and people would band around to condemn.

and then a "fact" is made?.  i am insane.

but who has the right to impose there belief upon someone esle?

give me an answer to that one?

now here is the question i beg you to ask?

have i always been this way and now just want to express myself to recrimantion.

shunned for my differances story of my life?

i thought i found kindred souls to change the "facts" of the world?

yet everyone has there point of breaking even i will belive this?

again i sit alone with the weight of my world on my shoulders?

i will tell you the falsehoods?

but you would not listen?

your Brain will shut me out.

and i know this for my life is made up of someone elses "facts"

so now again i ask my self the question?

what is the point?

why live in solitude when i can be a falsehood?

why not give up my Faith? and accept yours?

why not Give up everthing i hold dear?

why not give up who i am for the easier road?

i hope my questions answer themselves.

feverd dreams never made so much sense?

but what if that is my excuse so you wont think to ill of me.

even though what i write is blasphemy to all you know and aknowledge?

tell a blind man the sky is blue i will tell him it is red?

how would he know?

he would never know only would trust in the words of the many?

while the words of one are lost.

maybe i should do nothing but sleep. and waste this life away.

then maybe i wont feel betrayal, hurt, loss, or lust. 

now what is your thoughts upon me?

deaf in one ear cant here well out of the other

damn AT4s being so loud and destuctive

Fuck this place

12 hour guard duty shift and then 3 hours later a mission?

and i am driving??

i got off duty at 130am

missions starts at 445

do the math

and they want me to spot ieds and shit yeah

if i dont come back not my fault

again again and again

As i slumped to the ground my head met with a steel boot.  And met the wall once more. As blood frothed from my mouth I look up to see whose boot I became acquainted with.  Well low and behold captain of the guard.  Just who I wanted to see when I am trying to escape. And run. Yippee. I get ripped up. Hi dalais what's new with you tired of beating up the other prisoners. Blood once again spills from my mouth.  So you think you can escape from the palace thief.  I haven't stolen anything from you. You stole my time and that of the princess's. Now how did I do that?  By trespassing and breaking out.  What if I said I was let out? And my accomplice is up the stairs raiding your treasury?  I say you're lying.  Well I didn't knock out that man. And the jailor here sure didn't. Bind him search the palace find him.  Slung on to shoulder covered with metal not the most comfortable position.  Specially walking up stairs.  The jolts just hurt.  We get upstairs and I get tossed abruptly to the floor. Walk.  Not able to. Boot ribs steel flesh hurts. A lot. And I slide 4 feet away.  When the klaxon start ringing it wakes the whole palace up. High or low born you wake up when the things go off.  So here I lay in all my bloody glory.  When someone decides to walk up and ask what is going on in that voice few men resist.  But he's the captain he knows his place.  But do you.  I stand up.  I bow.  Least I can do.  There is a flicker by the window. A glint of metal. In the Pale Mans Eye.  Goodbye. I thank you for your hospitality but I have to go. But first a gift I must repay thee for my time spent.  I strike out with my foot and kick the first guard ankle shin he drops.  The captain strikes out I drop to my back spin and dive behind him. In front of you.  And return the hand print. Cept mine is with my blood.  I grab you throw you into dalais and sprint to the window that sparked my interest.  And dive. Normally I would not fit but when your nothing you fit well.  Come to think of it not my best idea. Especially after climbing a flight of stairs and knowing I was in a tower.  Yeah desperation does crazy things to the mind. Like diving out a window blind.

Now where were we I think o yes ... there is no coherency I might fix it when I am done.

As I stared at her is shock and her I laugh. O so little Miss Princess has a fucking backbone.  When ye are done using it give it back to the peasant you stole it from.  This time I was silenced by your guards.  I wake up crazy here I thought I wouldn’t.  And wouldn’t ye know I am in the fucking dungeon.  Sweet and who else is with me o the o so fucking gets me caught and beat bastard of a whore. If I wasn’t chained I would have killed him. Problem was he slipped his.  And low and behold he was gone but not before telling me I should go somewhere. Well let’s fast-forward a week.  Of daily beatings for supposedly attempting the life of royalty or some shit.  Well it’s during one of these joyous times I learn to stop feeling that or I couldn’t coherency is not one of those things you have when getting hit in the head repeatedly.  Let’s fast forward a month.  Now m emaciated ass is broken and nothing.  Yeah it sucked.  Well believe it when you’re that thin shackles don’t fit.  Desperation a man can do great things when he is desperate. Well they came to give me my slop and well it seems I had some fight left in me after all.  That or I can startle someone hit them in the eyes grab there mace and smash them in the crotch.  And then run like death itself is after me (because he is) well I hit a hall way and wouldn’t you fucking know it that rat bastard is back and skulking behind a guard.  Well since I weigh nothing and barefoot and really pissed I can skulk too.  So he gets behind the guard takes out a sap and well saps him.  I take my mace and Bash him.  But he must have heard me he rolled with the blow.  And we face each other.  "I thought you were dead" yeah well I fucking aint and since you got me caught and left me u will feel the pain I have been taught.  "You can try but in you diminished condition you know I will win."  I have been broken since day one and here I stand you can’t hurt me I have been though hell.  "No you haven’t but you can be" huh then I find myself with a shadow over me and well yeah who knew it was the guard I cheap-shotted and he didn’t look to happy.  At all. "Cod piece and the castle is on its way you die tonight worm food."  Well as he charges Desperation sinks in and hell I charge right back mix some adrenaline and Desperation you got one crazed person. So swing this mace of mine and hell he deflects it with his forearm and lays gauntleted fist into my cheek. And since I weigh nothing umm yeah I fly a good 10 feet to his right and make friends with the wall.  But I have just endured beatings and never once was broken a bone so I can take a meaty punch. Too bad the shock of it made me drop his mace. This is in his hand as he swings it to mush my skull I duck.  The wall not so lucky.  Masonry goes flying.  Since there is not many chinks in plate mail except the helmet armpits and joints.  I have nothing but my hands wtf am I supposed to do except dodge.  well Mr. bastard  as it were was just watching and then decide he had better things to do like leave me.  But not before he casually leaves behind a dagger leaning against the stairway. About 50 meters ahead of me. well I dive roll hop skip and jump and I make it to the stairs  well this man sees what I see and wants to keep me away he knows I cant touch him and I will tire lol.  But desperation makes people to desperate things.  I ran up the stairs past the dagger and then leapt back down at him. I caught a mace to the chest and made friends with the wall again. Course I couldn’t breathe and was within reach distance of the dagger. Though. I am slumped against the wall with bruised ribs and lack of air. I would have tried looking unconscious but gasping for air not very convincing. From start to now 4 minutes.  I have explained before guards aren’t stupid and can move when needed.  He picks me up by m raggedy shirt and slams me against eh wall again and again... 

I will pick up later I got things to do